Winter hovers over me this year like none that has come
before. My spirit is sad. I knew when we came to the farm, that there would be
seasons for everything, Seasons for growth, seasons for change and even seasons
for death. I think in the beginning of any adventure it is easy to find energy.
The newness of the experience is invigorating. Like discovering a whole new
world that you never knew existed. Every day is filled with the wonder of what
will happen next. What will grow, who will be born, what will we discover?
When we moved to the farm, I was looking for a change, a
major change. I wanted to break free from the slavery of the corporate world
and embrace daily God’s creation. I wanted to get my hands dirty and trade in
my Chanel earrings for blue jeans and mud boots. I wanted to spend time in
nature, digging, planting, birthing and growing. I wanted my kids to know the value of growing your own food. I wanted them to know people who lived off of the land and what it is to trust God to provide for your needs.
That is what we have done over the last 4
years since moving to the farm. We cleaned out the old and unused barn. My husband
built stalls for future residents and we filled the loft with hay. Chicks
arrived and soon after a myriad of animals that needed homes had taken up
residency. I never minded the work of morning and evening chores and even took
pride in managing them in sub zero temperatures. I was after all, a reformed
suburban “princess” and nothing tickled me more then lifelong friends who were
awestruck at the baby ducks I had hatched in my laundry room or the fact that
my goats followed me to and from the bus stop to meet the kids. This place has
blessed my children with wonderful experiences that can only happen when time
is taken to smell the roses and the chicken poop!
So why am I restless now? What has happened to curb my
enthusiasm on this bleak February evening? This month has been filled with stress
and sadness and I know it has taken its toll. A battle with the flu has left my
body weak and tired, a loss of my horse has left my spirit crushed and aching.
Discord with friends has prompted me to spend too much time wondering what I
could have done differently in my relationships and hay and heat costs have
left me wondering when we can rebuild our financial safety net. The storm has
come and settled over my head.
A long time ago I saw a poster that had a young man with a
knapsack over his shoulder looking at road signs pointing down paths in
opposite directions. The caption said, “No matter where you go, there you are.”
I think about that poster often. Here I am.
I am a starter, I like new experiences. In business, I
always thrived in companies who were new or starting over. I never liked
companies that were established and only wanted maintenance. I would get bored.
I like the unknown, wondering what is around the river bend kind of moments. I
love meeting new people and learning about their lives. I enjoy new places and
new experiences.
But at some point in every season, maintenance is required.
You can not have an amazing orchard if there is never a season of pruning.
Firewood for heat or food to eat must be maintained through planting and harvesting.
You can’t spend all of your time just putting seeds into the ground, sometimes
you must watch and wait for them to grow. You must have patience. I am not
patient. Especially when patience is coupled with loss.
The journey of a lifetime begins with a single step. I
really relate to that statement, I love taking action, taking a step in a
direction. But for some reason, I believe God wants me to master a new set of
skills. He wants me to be comfortable with maintaining that which he has given
to me. He wants me to evolve to a place of comfort with “sameness”. To be
comfortable doing laundry while knowing it will need to be done again tomorrow
or to embrace cooking a meal for my family only to do it again a few hours
later. I come from a place of accomplishment, getting rewarded for completing
goals and I think this has hindered my growth in the area of peace. No one will
give me an award for the most laundry done in a single evening. I may have
created a chef inspired meal and the most I can hope for is clean plates. So why do this? Why spend time doing those
mundane things? Why not revisit the professional world that I left behind where
I can be recognized on a regular basis for my efforts?
I’ll tell you why, because my life is meant to be
different than that. Because what I do
each day to meet the minimum needs of my family is more miraculous than any “high
point” award I ever received at work. Because the
corporate world will swallow up whatever space I leave in it with in an
instant of my departure. Because for the majority of the world at large,
living through each day and seeing a new sunrise is a miracle of perseverance. Because
the road less traveled is not always comfortable or easy. Most importantly it
is because God commands us to be good stewards of all in this life that he
bestows upon us. Does knowing this make
it easier for me to be patient? To have a day, week or month where nothing is
new or exciting? Does this knowledge make it more manageable when I feel
restless, hurt or sad? Nope, it doesn’t. But it does force me to my knees. It
forces me to get beyond my feelings and seek out God’s grace and to place his
hand on my emotions. It forces me to trust that in all that God does, he does
it for my good. It challenges me to seek him in the discomfort.
I think at those moments when we are most desperate, most
fearful, most tired, that we are also at the closest point to a breakthrough, a
miracle even. If I can breathe my way into the next day, make it through the
next pile of clothes, the next meal, I am confident that a miracle awaits me on
the other side. But, if I give into my emotions, let my tired body take on a
negative attitude, do the minimum versus the maximum in all that I undertake I
fall short of that bliss that I yearn for, that completion.
With that said, I leave you to go and turn some duck eggs in
the incubator, feed our 4 week old chicks and put away the bread I have just
finished baking at 9PM. After that, I will spend time focusing on all of the
blessing that were brought to me today. A loving family, a good job for my
husband, Chickens that turn grain into beautiful eggs, wood to make a fire and
friends who are there to hear my cries when I am not strong. All of this and
God’s promise that he will never abandon me, in any season, encourages me to
take another step….forward.
