Fear

Since moving to the farm two years ago I have had to face many fears. Some are little fears, will I be able to keep little baby chicks alive in a brooder box in my unheated mud room in February, some are big fears, will I be able to afford to stay home with my kids if I leave corporate America, and some are in the middle, do I really have to pull these ticks off of my kids?  But as each incident that tests my fears comes along, I have been stunned by the internal ability that has come forth to hit them head on. As I have conquered each of these things, some taking a lot longer than others, I have made a mental note of the accomplishment and had a moment of thanksgiving. See, I believe that fear is the direct opposite of faith. 

Each time fear creeps up on me, or slaps me across my face; it is a time for me to flex my faith muscle.  The act of building that muscle up takes time and definitive effort over time. It is the act of taking each moment as it comes and putting your best foot forward in that moment.  It is saying to God, I have no idea what will happen, but I believe in the end I will be ok. 

I know that previous worldly training has taught me to believe I need to have a plan for all seasons of my life. Save for my retirement, plan for my kid’s college, build equity for the future, get the best training in school for the long haul of a career, etc. Spending all of my time focused on planning for tomorrow made me a person who lived in tomorrow. When you are hyper focused on planning and controlling what will happen tomorrow, it is impossible to enjoy today. The funny thing is that there is no way you can be totally prepared for what will happen tomorrow.  The best thing you can do is make decisions as they come to you today and lean on faith for the rest.  Sounds easy? It is not. It is the main lesson I grapple with in my current life.  Each moment of each day, I try to make the best decision not knowing what each outcome will be.  Sometimes the decisions are terrible, and have tough consequences, but more often than not, the outcome is better than I could ever have planned because I allow room for God in the details.

By taking each moment as it comes, being flexible and open to shifts in the path, I actually believe that I allow God the freedom to act in my life. If I think I know how everything is to be at all times, how in the world will God participate? In that mindset I will actually fill the answers before God has any input in the situation. Life really is about walking with God and not leaning on our own understanding.

This week I experienced direct physical fear and hit it head on. I was working in the garden with my daughter when my husband announced from the porch that there seemed to be a problem with a duck in the pond.  As he was on a conference call, I was left to investigate on my own. I walked down to the pond and came upon our duck Ferdinand thrashing around appearing to be stuck on something in the pasture pond.

His wings were flailing up and down as he appeared to be sinking into the murky algae filled darkness.

He was just out far enough that I knew I was going to have to enter into the water past my knees to get him out. To say this water is gross is and understatement. It is dark, muddy murky stuff.

As Ferdie looked at me, flapping ferociously to stay above water, I knew that if I did not get into this gross water filled with who knows what, that he would die. He was exhausted from keeping himself afloat. I stepped into the dark pool and my feet sank 3 inches into slimy mud. My shoes were immediately stuck and of no help to me. It took a lot of effort just to manage walking out to him as my feet were engulfed in the cool muck.

Just as I reached out and found myself just 3 inches too short to reach his neck, the algae on top of the pool cleared and I saw with great horror what was holding him in place.

There was the biggest snapping turtle I have every seen grasping on to Ferdie’s foot and slowly dragging him under.  If you know anything about snapping turtles, you know that they can break human bones with their jaws.  For a brief moment, the fear of my own self preservation took over and I was frozen as I pondered the thought of lossing toes or fingers in my mind. 

His shell was over a foot in circumference and he was holding onto Ferdie for the long haul.  I realized that Ferdie was trying to flap in my direction, his eyes looked deep into mine and I knew instantly what I needed to do.  I stepped forward and grabbed Ferdinand’s neck, pulling both he and the snapping turtle still attached to his webbed feet onto the shore.

Once on shore adrenaline kicked in and some how I managed to separate the two, I think I stepped on the turtle’s back to get him to release Ferdie.  But then the turtle started to run back to the pond. I was not going to have that monster preying on my critters anymore and so I reached down and grabbed the back of his shell hurling him up further onto shore.  In the end I would do this twice until my husband appeared with our huge barn shovel to pick him up and relocate him to a river several miles away.

Ferdie is recovering with the rest of the flock, and while he still will not let me catch him to set his broken leg, I know he is thankful for my willingness to face my fears on his behalf, for I have seen the fear of death in his eyes.

Never in my life did I think I would have done any of these things.  Never in my life did I think I would live on a farm, care for my kids and animals everyday. Never in my life did I think at fourty years old I would be riding horses again. Never in my life did I imagine being brave enough to let my husband be the breadwinner in our family. Never in my life did I imagine that I would help a barn cat deliver her 1^st litter of kittens. Never in my life did I imagine that I would get comfortable with the knowledge that I don’t have it all together all the time and I certainly do not know what will happen tomorrow.

But both Ferdinand and I am happy that my life has become bigger and better than just what I could have imagined.

Below is a picture of the turtle on his back in the shovel.  This shovel is 24 inches across.